Why the Chevy Avalanche is the Vehicle of Asshats Everywhere.

"Jay Lauer" (thefaultinourcars) 11/25/2013 at 11:57 • Filed to: None

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We know one thing for true; bros like trucks. Hell, that’s why “Bro-Truck” is now part of my vocabulary. But lately, I’ve been noticing an especially aggravating trend; the real frat-boy ,mom’s credit-card borrowing, Ralph-Lauren Polo hat-wearing douchebags now drive the Chevrolet Avalanche.

Why, you may ask? Why not just buy a lifted Silverado or a Cummins like every Brad Paisley song says they should? Well, that’s because a lifted full-size pickup, despite some of it’s owners, is actually a capable vehicle. We all know that our cars are a reflection of our character, and the Avalanche is the cultural counterpart of of “That Dude who Texts in the Squat Rack.”

First of all, we need to define what the Avalanche is. Is it a truck? Is it an SUV? Well, Chevrolet defines it as a “Sport Utility Truck,” putting it smack dab in the middle of the Suburban and Silverado.

Really, anybody with a memory longer than a goldfish can recognize that this is a Suburban with the rear bit lobbed, because f*** cargo room. However, there are a few differences that especially appeal to bros. The Avalanche was fitted was loads and loads of plastic cladding, because painted panels are for fairy boys. Also, the Avalanche featured heavily bolstered and flared fenders, but the top of the wheel wheel is flat, so that the stock Suburban tires don’t look ridiculously small in the opening. The Avalanche was built on GM’s GMT800 (which i’m guessing means it was built in Britain in the early morning) which is based off the previous Silverado, using dated technology. It’s also roughly two feet longer than the Tahoe, but somehow has a shorter bed than an F-150 short-bed.

But, it’s clearly marketed a truck, so it needs to be compared to one. Here’s where the Avalanche falls on it’s snapback. While a normal Silverado things, like wood and lumber, or 3,260 pound of Dodge parts, the Avalanche’s payload is only 600 pounds. It’s also three inches taller, but provides no extra ground clearance.

Despite the lack of actual pickup usability, GM felt the need to offer an 8.1 liter V8 that comes with MPG competitive with most oil tankers. The largest, most heavy-duty gas-powered Silverado only offers a 6.0 V8. Even with the full-bore 81.81 liter V8, four-wheel drive is still an option.

But this is all relative, really. Asshats don’t buy pickups based on merit, because asshats don’t need pickups for pickup things. The Chevrolet Avalanche was created wholly to appeal to what the asshat loves most; the appearance of rugged manliness without any of the actual equipment.

Still, that doesn’t stop popped-collar dudes from buying lift kits for their 2WD Avalanches and brush guards that have only ever seen paint brushes. They buy their trucks Super 40 Flowmasters, because a straight pipe is “illegal” and that would be “wrong.” Or they say, “F*** the off-roading blush and foundation, I’m lowering this bitch.”

But, like most cars, their biggest problem is their owners. Avalanche owners believe they are everything that is strength and masculinity, and drive according that belief. They WILL cut you off on exit ramps and they WILL do 1mph over the speed limit in the left lane. Other drivers are weaklings, and will be treated like such.

In conclusion, every Avalanche, and I mean every, is driven by a “bro,” whether it be a 20-year-old bro or a 53-year-old bro. If you want to at least keep a little mystery as to whether you’re a “bro” or a construction contractor, buy an actual Silverado.

TillTheWheelsFallOff: Brocoma > Jay Lauer 11/25/2013 at 12:00

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This was beautiful.

Jagvar > Jay Lauer 11/25/2013 at 12:01

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"...anybody with a member longer than a goldfish..."

Gisk > Jay Lauer 11/25/2013 at 12:04

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Meanwhile in Europe, the mom's credit-card borrowing, Ralph-Lauren Polo wearing douchebags drive Audis.

ADabOfOppo; Gone Plaid (Instructables Can Be Confusable) > Jay Lauer 11/25/2013 at 12:07

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You repeated the same sentence about overall length compared to an F-150 twice within two consecutive paragraphs.

Also holy=/=wholly.

Otherwise, rather a funny write up. (I'm not trolling. I sincerely want to help improve your writing an grammar.)

MooseKnuckles > Jay Lauer 11/25/2013 at 12:07

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I disagree. From what I've seen, Avalanche drivers go against the grain compared to other truck drivers in terms of quantity of ass-hats. Dodge-Ram Ram15000 and 2500 drivers tend to be the ones who I see driving like dick-bags, and it's those 2500 drivers that roll coal at every chance given. Avalanche drivers seem to be people that couldn't afford an Escalade and drive more sensibly.
It is very rare I see a truck driver of any brand going slow on the highway/passing lane, typically 130km/hr is still too slow for them and all you have in your rear-view mirror is their oversized badge and grille.

Jay Lauer > ADabOfOppo; Gone Plaid (Instructables Can Be Confusable) 11/25/2013 at 12:11

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Appreciate it.

In hindsight, I quick look-over/edit would've been helpful on my part.

offroadkarter > Jay Lauer 11/25/2013 at 12:14

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I'm 99% positive the current avalanche is now built off the GMT900, also its actually built off the suburban chassis, NOT the tahoe chassis. The 8.1 was only offered on the first gen GMT800's, the GMT900 second gens have a 5.3 or 6.0.

Also, I don't care what anyone wants to argue, the ultimate bro truck will ALWAYS be the Dodge Ram, hands down.

Jay Lauer > MooseKnuckles 11/25/2013 at 12:16

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I completely agree with you about Dodge pickup owners. Being from Kansas, a lot of kids drove their daddy's Cummins to school, so black smoke was more common than littered Skoal cans.

I still think that Avalanche owners can't afford Escalade EXT's, they jump on the truck bandwagon, instead of the "luxury car" bandwagon, and drive like toolboxes, or dare I say, Texans....

But that's just me, I've had many a run-in with Avalanche drivers that's left a sour taste in my mouth.

ADabOfOppo; Gone Plaid (Instructables Can Be Confusable) > Jay Lauer 11/25/2013 at 12:17

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You can still edit.

Just load you private view, and choose your posts.

ADabOfOppo; Gone Plaid (Instructables Can Be Confusable) > Jay Lauer 11/25/2013 at 12:18

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You can still edit.

Just load you private view, and choose your posts.

Jay Lauer > offroadkarter 11/25/2013 at 12:20

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I'm basing most of complaints off the first-gen Avalanche (i.e. the plastic cladding, the flat wheel wells, etc.) But you're right with your information.

And you're correct, NOTHING will ever dethrone the Ram as Bro-Truck King.

offroadkarter > Jay Lauer 11/25/2013 at 12:22

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You forgot to include this gem of the first gens

Obviously whoever bought that must go on a ton of adventures. Why? Because North Face!

Hindered23 > offroadkarter 11/25/2013 at 12:33

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can I not wear north faces? what if I do not claim to be an adventurer?

Hindered23 > offroadkarter 11/25/2013 at 12:34

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can I not wear north faces? what if I do not claim to be an adventurer?

Ramblin Rover - The Vivisector of Solihull > Jay Lauer 11/25/2013 at 12:39

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There is actually a tiny "wants four-door cab without needing full size bed 4wd" demographic. In fact, I'm about to post an Oppo question about that. Here's the thing, though: the guy who I'm posting the question about is also in the "Eff all this modern electronic stuff" camp. As such, the frippery of the Avalanche probably reduces its market more than it increases it.

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > Ramblin Rover - The Vivisector of Solihull 11/25/2013 at 12:46

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My dad bought one of the first avalanches to hit showrooms but he got the Z66 package instead of the Z71. It's still around right now, still towing project cars and parts around, still hauling hundreds of pounds of landscape materials and plants in the bed, still towing a trailer, and still able to seat 5 people with ease while doing any of the above. The people who *need* this type of vehicle are a small audience, but the avalanche really did nail it quite well.

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > Jay Lauer 11/25/2013 at 12:49

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The first avalanche buyers bought the truck because of the combo of good seating for four adults + bed + somewhere around 20 or 30 little cubbies and storage units scattered across the vehicle. My dad got one of the first and the thing is just a mule with a V8. Even managed to get 20.4 mpg on the highway since it has the 5.3. The second gen ones with the fancy paint and big chromes? Yeah they're just a waste of metal.

RandomTask > Jay Lauer 11/25/2013 at 13:37

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As a self employed, private construction contractor, I just learned I was a bro. I appreciate you calling that to my attention.

As a rebuttal, I'm about to spend way more time correcting you than I need to.

I'm curious though, the majority of the facts you pulled...seemingly out of nowhere...are, well, wrong. Sure, some of the info is partially true for the first gen. Avalanche (GMT800 2001/2-2006), but hell, who needs to do fact checking on a ball busting rant? Amirite or amirite!! Hell even a cursory view of Wikipedia would have made you sound like you knew what the hell you were talking about.

Lets start with styling: Yes when the Avalanche first hit the market, it was wrapped in goofy plastic cladding, much like many other GM vehicles. Thing is only the 2002-2003 models had that as a mandatory option. As of 2004 you could order the truck "naked", and by the second generation, the cladding was completely off the options list. More people ordered them without the cladding, and the ones that did had issues with fade and deterioration. You even posted a picture of a cladding less version for your second photo attachment.
You said it yourself, it's essentially a Tahoe, minus the rear cap glass. It's actually a suburban minus the cap glass, hence the full size rear doors, and the longer base length. Much in the same way the old El Caminos were just station wagons minus the cap glass. 5 sentences later you claim that it's "It's also roughly two feet longer than the Tahoe, but somehow has a shorter bed than an F-150 short-bed.". But wait the Suburban is 222.4", Avalanche is 221.3", and the Tahoe is 202". So again, comparing it to the Tahoe isn't the correct family member.
While the Avalanche doesn't technically have a bed, as the body is one unit, lets compare them anyway. The Ford F-150 with the 5.5ft Styleside (your short bed) bed has a total bed capacity length of 67", and a total vehicle length of 231.9". Where as the Avalanche is 63.3/98.2" @ 221.3". So by your judgement, shouldn't you be pissed that the longer F150 has the smaller bed capacity? Not to mention you (F150 owner) have to pay extra for a toneau cover. Sure, I'm splitting hairs but I'm also comparing both trucks to their full bed capacity (length), and they have equal width of 50".

Now, I could go on to point out your errors in payload capacity, MPG, platform build; but I'll stop here. The fact of the matter is...who gives a shit? If YOU don't like the Avalanche, don't buy one. It's clearly not a truck for your personal tastes. But making blanket statements, with little to no backing behind them, just makes you look like a jackass. So next time some one cuts you off in traffic, and you get a mad-on for everyone in that particular vehicle; take a few deep breaths, count to 10, and fucking relax.

Sincerely,

Random Task.

Milky > offroadkarter 11/25/2013 at 14:45

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Really the dodge ram?! Is your eyesight just impervious to ford trucks? Top GIS and not one dodge on the page.

Jay Lauer > Milky 11/25/2013 at 15:02

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That NorthFace Avalanche is GOLD.

Also, by now, most all domestic pickups are equally matched in levels of bro-ness, but RegularCarReviews has a really good grasp on it. Dodge made the first truck with a style effort, therefore I think it gets most of the credit as the first bro-truck.

That being said, any truck can be a bro-truck, domestic or foreign.

Jay Lauer > ADabOfOppo; Gone Plaid (Instructables Can Be Confusable) 11/25/2013 at 15:12

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Thanks a lot for that.

Got it cleaned and edited now.

ADabOfOppo; Gone Plaid (Instructables Can Be Confusable) > Jay Lauer 11/25/2013 at 15:14

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Yup. Not a problem.

offroadkarter > Milky 11/25/2013 at 15:38

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I see a 92-97 F series truck actually out in the dirt, bro trucks don't get dirty, your results are invalid

90% of ram drivers are assholes, the ram is the king bro truck, deal with it.

Milky > offroadkarter 11/25/2013 at 16:10

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No never, get yo facts right. #GoogleDon'tLie #ChryslerFanBoy

offroadkarter > Milky 11/25/2013 at 16:30

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see, I wasn't kidding, this came up when I GIS'd "bro truck" and just scrolled down!

Milky > offroadkarter 11/25/2013 at 17:08

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Bro you had scroll past many chevy and fords to find that image. Your searching for what you want to see, not whats necessarily the truth.

offroadkarter > Milky 11/25/2013 at 17:15

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if it makes you feel better, this comes up in the top results when you search "brodozer"

it doesn't help when people incorrectly tag things and I find a GMC Jimmy under bro truck... Yes I know that came from here, and no a jimmy isn't a bro truck, because it isn't a truck.

xx45xx > Jay Lauer 11/26/2013 at 15:24

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i know this one assclown, used to drive a black avalanche. i hate him with a passion. it had 20" bro rims on it and i was happy when he got rid of it.

fintail > RandomTask 11/26/2013 at 21:02

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Lots of contractors are at least bro wannabes. In my area anyway, they tend to prefer diesel Dodges with lift kits, exhaust mods, and stickers.

fintail > Jay Lauer 11/26/2013 at 21:03

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I saw one of these today make a right turn from a center straight-only lane. Another vehicle large enough to create size issues and obliviousness, and to require a license endorsement in fintail-land.

jalop1991 > RandomTask 11/26/2013 at 21:35

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But making blanket statements, with little to no backing behind them, just makes you look like a jackass.

no, it simply makes him look like a Gawker writer.

Welcome to Jalopnik, home of the snarky (oooo, I just used a hipster word!) blanket statement with nothing to back it up. Because hipster millenial (ooooo, I just used hipster grammar!)

Jay Lauer > fintail 11/29/2013 at 00:16

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I approve this comment. That is all.

OKStriple > Jay Lauer 12/29/2014 at 00:09

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My Avalanche has a Flowmaster 50, not the 40 like your article says. Otherwise a pretty accurate article, bro.

Cory Smith > Jay Lauer 06/18/2015 at 00:54

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I found your piece to be damn funny and yet I’m an Avalanche owner (2nd generation- sans cladding, lol. In pewter, and the base LS trim, it may as well be a Camry). The reasons I wanted this hybrid/bastard truck/SUV: I drive it most of the time as my work vehicle (roofing), sometimes as a passenger vehicle with my Dad or friends. Obviously, I sometimes need to carry stuff for work. Admittedly, I recently almost overestimated its payload capacity recently- my friend from the Chevrolet dealer stopped me. (hey, but it all fit in there...). It is flexible for the rare times I need the full size cargo capacity. I can haul people, a ladder and roofing nomenclature, our 80lb. dog, 2 huge chairs as I did today.. and best of all it fits in my garage. GM sold approximately 675000 of the things...inspired by a Ford concept that was friggin’ UGLY... the Equator. ( http://blog.caranddriver.com/the-life-and-t… ). Many owners have had more than 1 and they’re actually hard to find used because people hold onto them.

Back to the humorous perspective of your article..... there are so many DB aftermarket items for this and other trucks. JCWhitney, Amazon, Ebay.. it’s mindboggling. The other drivers on the road respond accordingly- Silverados and Rams ignore me (“that ain’t a truck”), Suburbans and Tahoes (“looks familiar, but what IS it?!”) couldn’t care less. Car drivers are really nonplussed about it. A unicorn that gets ignored. It is funny ‘cuz it’s true.

Asshat-owner > Jay Lauer 06/18/2015 at 17:23

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Did you honestly intend to use the Roman numeral I meaning one in the context there? Or was that another typo you once again over looked?

RichardFitzwell > Jay Lauer 08/29/2015 at 11:34

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It is the ugliest vehicle ever built.

SchwarzeEwigkt > Milky 08/29/2015 at 11:39

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Scissor doors? That’s a paddlin’.

Burner > Jay Lauer 08/29/2015 at 12:35

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Dude youre so anti bro it makes me think do you protest too much are you hiding mommys credit card in your wallet

Burner > Jay Lauer 08/29/2015 at 12:36

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Ah just looked at your pic answered my own question

Burner > offroadkarter 08/29/2015 at 12:39

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Dont be angry because you cant afford a north face jacket baby daddy will buy you one

WinrickRacing > Jagvar 08/29/2015 at 13:40

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I had a gold fish for four years once. That sucker was big.

Sorry....

CammedCTSV > Jay Lauer 08/29/2015 at 16:14

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I actually use my Avalanche for all things. It has 33” Terra Grapplers, intake, and a tune

HFV has no HFV. But somehow has 2 motorcycles > Jay Lauer 08/29/2015 at 17:24

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Self editing, and spelling and grammar self checking is a huge weak point for me. I read what I think I wrote not what I actually typed.

deekster_caddy > Jay Lauer 08/29/2015 at 22:14

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I got turned on to the 8.1 from a buddy who worked at a boat sales company. The 2500 8.1 Avalanches were their go-to tow vehicles for deliveries.

404usernotfound > Jay Lauer 08/29/2015 at 23:32

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Yep, can confirm. One of the biggest duches at my highschool had one. He even had dual giant subs in the back.

Barry Land > MooseKnuckles 08/30/2015 at 00:17

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I have to disagree, around here in Toledo, the F-150 is the top pick of idiot pickup drivers, and the F-250/350 the pick of the “rolling coal” crowd. In cars the Nissan Altima (both old and new generations) is the car most likely to be driven by a douchebag, with old Pontiac G6’s as the next pick. Jeep Cherokees are fast closing on the top two though.

Kyree S. Williams > Jay Lauer 08/30/2015 at 01:23

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Uh...you’ve got lots of inaccuracies here, which wouldn’t be a bad thing if it weren’t for the fact that you’re making fun of the truck. The most obvious ones are:

a) The Avalanche was on the GMT800 platform for its first generation. When the Silverado, Suburban, Tahoe et al were redesigned on the newer GMT900 platform, so was the Avalanche.

2) GM actually did offer the Silverado with the 8.1-liter Vortec 8100

iii) The second-generation Avalanche shares its doors with the Suburban, as well as most of the front clip. Among other things, the fenders are exactly the same on both models. They’re not “widely-flared’, and they don’t look any different.

And beside all that, the Ford SVT Raptor would actually be a better target for ridicule. Everything about it is over-the-top.

Kyree S. Williams > RandomTask 08/30/2015 at 01:27

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I don’t have a dog in the fight (I drive German and Korean cars), but if he’s a Ford owner, it’s really funny that he’s talking about anything “dated”. Ford had literally re-used the bodyshells of its vehicles across multiple generations (including the F-150; see 2004-2008 vs 2009-2014) or just has one really long eight to ten-year-old generation for certain models.

Jay Lauer > Burner 08/30/2015 at 16:52

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I am.

Jay Lauer > Burner 08/30/2015 at 16:52

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What does a man look like?

MooseKnuckles > Barry Land 08/30/2015 at 17:17

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k

Burner > Jay Lauer 08/30/2015 at 17:26

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I think this is the correct response to this post dont really feel like looking thru posts to see but I think what riled me up was your comments on bros since you look just like a douchetastic bro yourself and theommys credit card I bet you have one you bro looking douche so I guess the answer to your question is not like you you bro looking bro

Burner > offroadkarter 08/30/2015 at 17:39

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Why the dodge ram?

Burner > Jay Lauer 08/30/2015 at 17:40

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Also why the ram do you own one cause then it is definitely the broiest of bro trucks you bro looking bro

Prey521 > Jay Lauer 10/09/2015 at 09:34

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This has to be the absolute dumbest car rant I’ve ever read in my life.

Okkiecookie@gmail.com > RandomTask 11/17/2015 at 17:14

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I just want to start by saying thank you for correcting this moron! I have a 1500 Silverado but always wanted an avalanche the ability to have a full crew cab truck and lower the mid gate to have full bed room would be nice and not having a vehicle being to big it's a great compromise. And a driver isn't a dick because of what he drives it's how he drives.

Jreiff > Jay Lauer 12/12/2015 at 01:30

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I bought a avalanche because I needed the room of a SUV and to throw shit in the back in the bed i’f needed. I coach multiple sports and is nice to keep out of the weather. Being a special forces soldier don’t appreciate being a asshat. So Fuck You special appointed judges of trucks.

Dialn911 > Jay Lauer 12/14/2015 at 03:33

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Wow,

What an ignorant piece if garbage of an article. Sounds more like projection by the author looking to validate some sort of deep insecuritis tied to the Avalanche. Whats wrong, did a Avalanche driving “frat boy” bang your girlfriend?

Every person I have ever known who has owned an avalanche loves them. Their used by contractors all the time at the job sites.

Consumer reports came out with a list of the top 14 “True Offroad vehicles”

#1 was the Toyota Tacoma TRD

#2?...the Chevy Avalanche.

Oh, and it won Motor Trend’s truck of the year award among many other accolades.

It can haul, offroad, tow, and everything in between.

It would appear the only Asshat here is a guy who can’t even fact check before writing a fan boy smear piece with the intellect of a 10 year old kid xbox playing call of duty.

What a joke.

Dialn911 > Burner 12/14/2015 at 03:46

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Lol

Angelina Brolie > Burner 03/03/2016 at 04:59

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Considering your picture is nothing but pixels, we’ll have to assume that you are a Ralph-Lauren Polo wearing douchebag who drives an avalanche. What really riles up your kind is when two of you idiots are in the same room and one of you says “my daddy is richer than your daddy!” I always love to watch that catfight that ensues.

Soup > Jay Lauer 03/16/2016 at 03:07

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Wow, dude, you got it all wrong. Let me tell you something, as a proud owner of 2011 Chevy Avalanche.

1.) You are right, the Avalanche does not have the hauling capacity nor the towing capacity of a full size pick up truck, such as Silverado. However, unlike virtually all pick up trucks, including mid size things like Tacoma (but excluding the latest gen RAM) Avalanche has a coil over set up in the back instead of leaf springs, meaning that it rides comparatively better. Also, for all intents and purposes, the hauling and towing capacity of a late model Avalanche (aka Avy) is enough for everything I need.

2.) The shorter bed length compared to full size pickups translates to an overall shorter body length: an Avalanche fits in more garages then, say, a Silverado or an F-150. With that said, if you do need to haul something longer, like a motorcycle, all you need is to drop the mid-gate, and BAM, you got as much bed length as a long bed.

3.) No, you are not giving up useful volume compared to a Suburban. An Avalanche holds taller items, such as full size ping-pong tables, refrigerators, dressers, etc., Also the isolated Avalanche bed is much better for accommodating messier hobbies such as dirt motorcycles, ski’ing, etc.

4.) Overall, an Avalanche is an excellent truck/suv, whatever you want to call it. I am a 33 year old, relatively high paid Silicone Valley professional, I can afford most of the King Power Wagon Ranch BS out there, including the Raptor (which I very much like), however, I am keeping my 2011 Avy around because there is nothing on the market that offers the versatility of the midgate (great for sleeping inside the car), the ride comfort (still better than most other pick ups), and the overall utility (mid size length, with full size capability).

/P-9

TKD Teq > Jreiff 03/17/2016 at 23:06

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Jreiff - Firstly, please allow me to thank you for your Service. I too own a Chevy Avalanche (2009 LT-2 4WD) and agree on the versatility of hauling just about whatever I want while still having a enjoyable ride in the cabin. Quite often I have gear in it for my son’s various sports, my own activities, work, camping, and Home Depot hauls while still comfortably transporting up to 4 passengers (5 including me) w/o issue. A couple of my friends are 6'3" / 6'4" and they fit comfortably in the front seat —- the back seat was comfortable for friends up to 6'2" and 275 lbs.

Scott topmiller > Jay Lauer 03/25/2016 at 19:05

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So for one it has plenty of cargo room. For two the plastic cladding doesn't make it a douch bag truck, it's actually really nice not having to worry about all the little scratches and dings on the metal. And on top of that my Avalanche has a 8.1l engine with a towing capacity of 12,000 pounds. It may be classified as a sports utility truck but it can do more than most silvarados and Cummings

joe > Jay Lauer 04/12/2016 at 10:44

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My grandpa (i call him old man genetics donor, which that’s all he is to me). Is one of the biggest ass-hat’s around. A common trend that i have found with these types of “bros” is this. They are perpetual lairs, they lie about everything that comes out of their mouths. My grandpa says he was in the congo in the 50's doing CIA stuff and i know for a fact his sole job was a bug sprayer. He changes his story so much he told me the other day the reason why he went to the congo was is that he was trained to look for breast cancer. Honest to god. I’m like wtf? Why does that make sense to you? He told my best friend that he had a wooden leg and he could touch it if he wanted to. Along with lying i believe that these types are pervs to. Idk just a common trait i’d like to share with you. These types of people are just posers.

V6 or Bust > Jay Lauer 04/20/2016 at 18:43

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It lives!

Jay Lauer > V6 or Bust 04/20/2016 at 20:34

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Hahaha. My god this article will not die. If I had known it was going to live this long I would’ve put more than 30 minutes into it.

Hot Takes Salesman > Jay Lauer 05/04/2016 at 22:25

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It shall never die.

Dru > Jay Lauer 05/09/2016 at 14:08

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I used to work at a grocery store and the store manager drove one exactly like the one in the top pic, black with plastic cladding, except this douche had the gall to put a chrome skull trailer hitch cover on it. That didn’t bother me as much as the fact that he was an insufferable cocky asshat, who seemed to think his status as “head manager of a grocery store” was deserving of the same clout as CEO of a fortune 500. I once saw a mountain of paper towels nearly fall on this guy, and he darted out of the way as if it were boulders in a landslide. A divorce and presumed demotion would later reduce his asshatery to Chrysler 300C levels. What a miserable SOB.

Thanks for the trip down memory lane.

AeroSport Photography > Jay Lauer 05/09/2016 at 14:26

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Well, maybe not all Avalanches are driven by ass-hats... We used an Avalanche to tow our Datsun 510 racecar. Covered storage in the bed and room for the crew in the cab. And the Sirius XM was great for the long tow’s through the MFN.... but that’s all we used the Avalanche for...

nxtrice > Jay Lauer 05/15/2016 at 17:07

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I’d argue the avalanche can be considered better than an SUV but not as capable as a truck. Unless you get the rare 2500 3/4 ton model and also have the 8.1. That’s a tough truck, but it is a bit low, at least probably gains some handling with no load. What do you think.

thewolfchild > Jay Lauer 05/16/2016 at 08:22

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There is a picture of you next to your rant and with a face like that you have the nerve to insult other people? LOL! Rage all you like against financially successful truck and suv owners while you clunk around in your used Corolla and desperately try to meet women on Lava-life with your sub-$25K a year income, but nothing will make all your glaring inadequacies go away, you demented little turd. Now go have a good cry and maybe your day will get better...

Jay Lauer > thewolfchild 05/17/2016 at 12:23

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It’s used Buick; not a used Corolla. And I make $27,000 a year thank you.

Jerk.

gohmer > Jay Lauer 06/22/2016 at 03:37

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Ok, I would not normally reply to such BS, but I just bought my 2nd Avalanche tonight - 2008, 18x35s, 6" fabtech. I’m 62, live in the Oregon Outback, ex-military, rodeo’d (bull rider) in my 20s, I still whitewater kayak class IV+, rock climb at world famous Smith Rocks and Yosemite, race enduro mtn bikes, participate in the tough mudder, spartan, and camp Pendleton mud run. And, most importantly, when I get out of my Avalanche and see you, I will be kicking the holy crap out of you for being such a f’n moron.

gohmer > Jay Lauer 06/22/2016 at 03:40

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Oh...and by the way, I’ve owned 1-ton 4x4 dodge duallies, chevy 3/4 ton Silverados, and Ford F250 ton flatbed ranch trucks.

Flies With Thunderbirds > gohmer 06/22/2016 at 13:49

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Congrats, you’ve just billed yourself as an asshat. The avalanche was made for you.

Timmysmash > Jay Lauer 09/25/2016 at 17:32

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Yo this shit is Fucking hilarious! Hahahahahah I mean I drive an avalanche and I freaking lost my shit reading this hahahahahahahahahaha

Jay Lauer > Timmysmash 09/26/2016 at 01:05

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It only took 3 years for someone to prove me wrong.

Congrats sir. You didn’t comment anything negative.

Robinvboyer > Jay Lauer 10/07/2016 at 17:32

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That was quite funny. But I have to disagree a bit. My wife drives ours, and it’s got 4wd, and it’s in the bush almost every weekend. It’s actually a pretty capable off road vehicle if you put some decent tires on it. And the tent is bad ass for camping.

Echostar > Jay Lauer 10/11/2016 at 14:44

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That 8.1L v8 was available in the Suburban 2500 too. It didn’t matter if you did 60mph or 100mph, it got 13mpg.

Elsevier > Jay Lauer 12/29/2016 at 11:26

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Your article was too soon. It came out shortly after they discontinued the Avalanche. Even bros need time to mourn when their favorite vehicle is canceled.

Pete > Jay Lauer 01/28/2017 at 15:04

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LOL. Your review reeks of jealousy. That’s not a negative statement either. It’s actually rather flattering. I owned Siverados from 1995 through 2002. Four different model years. Two 1500 extended cabs, one 2500 crew and one 1500 HD crew. All great trucks that served me well when working out in the field in the residential construction industry. After a promotion from a field position to an office position with the same company my next trade was from the Silerado HD to a 1500 2002 Avalanche. Why did I all of a sudden become and “Asshat” as you say? LOL. Well, my days of having to haul all my tools in an enclosed trailer and materials in the back of my truck everyday to do my job had been over for over a year by then. My wife recently diagnoised with acid reflex had gotten to the point she needed a more car like ride, especially on long trips, than the Silverados offered. My hauling now was limited to our travel trailer and boat both of which the Avalanche’s 8,000 lbs towing capacity worked as well as the Silverados had. Any cargo hauling would be for around the house type project and the 8' bed length would only be needed on occasion as would the back seat for my kids who by then where of driving age and rarely wanted to be seen with their parents anyway. I also liked the bed cover system the Avalanche had over having to buy something addition for an open bed pickup. Easily removed it also handled hauling my motorcycle on occasion with ease. With the cargo capacity of the 4x4 version listed at 1,349 ( more for the 2WD ) Not sure where you came up with a cargo capacity of only 600 lbs in your review unless you are assuming the bed loaded and the maximum passengers in the truck ( SUV, whatever) at the same time. One does subtract from the other but that is likely not going to happen since the rear seats becomes cargo space instead of seating when needing to haul anything of larger size or quantity for most. All in all I loved my 2002 Avalanche Z71, so much I traded it later for a 2005 model and still have it to date. It’s a great truck that fills my needs for utility, towing and comfort especially on long trips. Asshat or not I am proud to drive it and still get lots of complements on it even now after almost 12 years. ;-)

probably only posts once > Jay Lauer 02/08/2017 at 14:10

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just googled ‘don’t buy an avalanche’ and this is the first article that came up. google won’t let it die, so neither will I! I need a truck to haul plywood, and it seems this will fit the bill. Maybe in a few more years it will move from hatred, and mockery, to gentle indifference, like a PT cruiser.

Adrovane > Jay Lauer 02/16/2017 at 16:02

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Magnificent - I never thought I fit the fratboy asshat profile (being a homosexual immigrant) but from now on I will take far more care to stay inside the lines when I park! I don’t want to end up as a meme...
I also didn’t realise it only had a 600 pound capacity (which I have overshot more than once...), but that’s ok - whether truck or person, every asshole needs a good heavy pounding once in a while, right?

Thanks for making me laugh this morning

tkd124 > Jay Lauer 03/21/2017 at 11:08

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Agreed, this made me laugh.. I’m definitely not a “bro” just a middle-aged guy who likes to build things but also has to haul around a family. Most “bros” and “asshats” would probably call me a dork and try to beat me up. But I love my Avalanche and this post was hilarious. 

Bromama > Jay Lauer 06/03/2017 at 02:01

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Damn I just learned I’m a bro! Lol

I’m a hot, single woman who bought an Avalanche with my hard earned money so I could pull my own trailer and take long road trips with my kids... but ya...

Bro! It’s got a certain ring to it. Oh damn, you just named my oh so accommodating, handsome beast of a truck. Bro Duke. Uhhh ya boiiii!

Mandy > Jay Lauer 07/12/2017 at 01:09

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Lol too funny..now you see alot of woman drive them..like me. My,husband got a f250 won’t drive my truck. It’s the perfect mom truck can fit the kids and all my shopping bags!! Funny artical!!

KDahl > Jay Lauer 07/16/2017 at 18:01

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Applying your theory, would I then be a she-bro, as a female - lol?  I am paying cash upfront, my savings, not my mommy’s. I promise to not cut anyone off in traffic & to go 5 mph over in left lane. ;)

truck-guy > Jay Lauer 07/25/2017 at 13:27

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I had an Avalanche. 2002 Z71 4x4. Made 400+ at the rear wheels and ran in the 13s, handily embarrassing the 330/335cis and G35s of those days. But instead of being an utterly useless “sports sedan”, my truck was second to none for beach days or hauling gear to and from the mountains. Said gear being, of course, secure and dry thanks to the amazing (and sadly yet to be duplicated) bed cover system. The truck handled immensely better than any Silverado. Immensely. That’s what a stiffer body (thanks to the structural member around the mid-gate), far better weight distribution, and a lack of leaf springs will do for you. Mine had upgraded anti roll bars and big Baer brakes, too. All around an amazing vehicle that was superior in many ways to my current 600+ RWHP Ford Raptor. I may be a bro by your definition (which I assume to mean anyone who has actually been in a squat rack) but I assure you my 70+ year old father who still drives my old Avvy today is not. He finds it as useful as I always did. Of course, he does still enjoy wiping the occasional smirk off the face of some little twat in a BMW or Subaru who doesn’t see the anti-roll bars or hear the new 6.0 my dad swapped in. Maybe my dad is a bro, after all? If by bro you mean everyone who isn’t a whiny little pipsqueak then, yeah, I guess he is.

Notanasshat > Jay Lauer 01/24/2018 at 18:41

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This guy is a complete moron and obviously knows NOTHING about an avalanche other that what he reads on google. Probably drives a Prius, lives in his moms basement and watches child porn all day

DukeMackey > Jay Lauer 04/01/2018 at 23:11

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Sounds to me like sounds to me like you have penis envy! I drive my Chevy Avalanche Central New York where there is more snow than anywhere else in the country and this truck treats it like its namesake! Way to judge our work ethic, I’ve been working since I was 12, and over the last 33 years, I’ve learned about quality in the Avalanche meets my needs for a truck as well as a luxury vehicle. As I mentioned it drives through the snow like it’s cutting through warm butter in the braking system is amazing. The reason I didn’t buy a Silverado is because it drives like a boxing of s***. Ford F series just isn’t comfortable in the GMC trucks have the most annoying hood on the planet, straight out in front of you then drops off like a cliff.

I’t want to buy an SUV because I had owned jeeps in the past and I appreciate the fact that one I want to move in traffic people see me and get the hell out of my way. It doesn’t mean I drive like a jerk but if I put my directional on, it’s not my vehicle that’s going to get rolled over. I don’t care what other people think about my vehicle, but I’ll be damned if after 11 years with this 07 Avalanche, if I don’t get it doesn’t compliments a month from strangers and guys like you that wish they had one. It’s cool, I get that they’re douchebags to drive some vehicles, but the majority of us work hard for our money. The other nice thing is it has a really nice center console for legally licensed handguns and plenty of ammunition. Just in case the zombie apocalypse happens and we run out of gas after running over thousands of them and are gigantic freaking truck.

DukeMackey > fintail 04/01/2018 at 23:13

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It’s it’s called the Chevy Avalanche move b**** get out the way. And people do.

fintail > DukeMackey 04/01/2018 at 23:19

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I don’t. I have dual hardwired dashcams and plenty of insurance. Bring it :)

rayraybaby > Jay Lauer 07/30/2018 at 17:45

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I’m in the midst of buying a car and the Avalanche is the front runner. I am glad I came across this article before  making a decision . By the way, the payload is 1300-1500 pounds, not 600.

ericrshelton > Jay Lauer 09/18/2018 at 04:44

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Counterpoint: My dream vehicle is an 80 or 100 series Land Cruiser but I could really use the utility of a pickup bed every few months. My kids are both in car seats (those things are massive!) so the right sized truck is out. Quad cab, full bed trucks are land yachts and obnoxious. The Ridgeline is really appealing but bed length is limited, it doesn’t have a low range, and I don’t know if mounting a winch is even possible.

I’ve been to the Avalanche forums and you’re right: it’s like douchebag central. Every ugly American stereotype you could want. The owners put me off the idea of being associated with them. But I’m having trouble thinking of another vehicle that can pull Dad duty if something goes wrong with the minivan, can haul sheet goods and fallen logs while keeping bark out of interior carpet, has a ton of lockable storage, tow RWD trucks and vans up snowy hills in the winter, and do some off-roading for fun on weekends. I hate it, but I think an Avalanche is my best choice.

JAC8034 > Jay Lauer 09/29/2018 at 02:57

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Honestly, I bought an Avalanche because I can use it to go overlanding in the rockies with a tent built for the bed while having the window removed so I can have heat from the cab and the safety of not getting mauled by a bear. My tent has a removable top cover so I can see the stars and take pictures of the night sky so that’s a plus from the bed of my Avalanche.

So no, not everyone that drives one is a douchebag. While I do go the speed limit on the right side of the highway, if I’m passing it’s usually 80-85. Also I straight piped most of my vehicles from the 05 Mustang GT, 2013 Cadillac CTSV and the Avalanche because, let’s face it, that list of vehicles are really just toys. I don’t consider the Avalanche a truck, that’s what I have my Ford F-5 50 for which isn’t straight piped because it’s a work truck and it’s already loud enough as is while rolling coal.

CoreyH > Jay Lauer 12/01/2018 at 17:50

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Hahahaha well there’ s multiple issues with your article here! For one, I’ m guessing your probably just annoyed by the fact that you drive a pos buick, and cant afford anything else . Two, the vocabulary you use in this article makes me laugh more than anything (ie... squat-rack, rear bit lobbed, asshats, bros, fairy-boys, Ralph -Lauren polo hat??? lol ) Third, try and get your facts straight before you try and act like you know what your talking about ...ie the 6.0 and 8.1 were both in the heavy duty Silverado. Another thing I find hilarious, is your grammar... its terrible... (“While a normal Silverado things, like wood and lumber”, “ 81.81 liter V8").

Just saying dude, I own an A valanche 1500, crew cab Dodge C ummins and a 2500 suburban and its nice to have a vehicle that can haul loads comparable to small truck, but also seat 5 comfortably. And at least they aren’ t as crappy as an aluminum F -150.

The Truth > Jay Lauer 01/04/2019 at 20:58

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Sorry. I have no clue if this is a good article or not. I made it as far as “ bro truck” and then stopped. Please tell me you came up with that on your own and there is nobody else out there saying “ bro truck”. How did that even pop in your head. That wasn’t a question. 

The Truth > Jay Lauer 01/04/2019 at 21:00

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And it didn’t take anyone 3 years to prove you wrong. I’ve never seen this. I googled Chevy Avalanche bad reviews and this was the first thing that came up. 

judas > Jay Lauer 01/31/2019 at 13:07

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legit I just googled “ why are chevy avalanches such douche bag not trucks”  Thank you.

Cynde > Jay Lauer 02/03/2019 at 18:13

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This article cracked me up. I am an old lady and I love my truck...decided on it rather than a SUV, cuz I don’t want all that junk and dirt from hauling garden stuff  inside my “living space”.  I don’t know why other people buy them. But I never considered myself an “a$$hat” ;-)